Woody Allen quotes

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

I don’t know enough to be incompetent.
- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
- Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
- Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
- Woody Allen

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
- Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen

Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw.
- Woody Allen

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
- Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
- Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other.
- Woody Allen

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
- Woody Allen